My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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