just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
