I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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