Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
