I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
