if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
