We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
