i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
