Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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