I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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