brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
