Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
