It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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