My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
