and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
it's great music for shaving your balls
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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