I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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