listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
