Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
