I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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