Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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