I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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