i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
