i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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