I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
