We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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