Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
