Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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