i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
