So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
