He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
