why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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