Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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