Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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