So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And then he peed in my hair
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