So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I just sharted jello shots
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
