Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
