All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
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We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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