Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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