You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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