The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
