May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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