My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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