These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
