then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
