things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
