my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
birth control should be required to get into college
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
