Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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