thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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