I will die if light touches me.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
