The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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