he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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