At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
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The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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