I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
