well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
