If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
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think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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